Sharing a Personal Loss (cont)

I would like to share with you what I've been feeling now that my mother has passed away. I have had the story that I need to be 'strong' for my family. It's been many years that I have not allowed myself to freely show fear, joy, anger, excitement, disappointment, grief - forget being vulnerable! I've dealt with a lot of death in the recent years and I 'had' to be strong. I do not let anyone know that I am fearful of death & that I'm afraid that one day you too will leave me.

When my father-in-law & mother-in-law died I 'had' to be strong for family. Mima was ill for many years with Alzheimer's. She no longer knew who her family was. She did not know that she had a daughter, a son-in-law & grandson. I remember the day my wife asked her "I am your daughter, do you remember me?" and Mima replied "I don't have a daughter!" My wife cried for days! I tried to protect my son from that. What would it feel like for him to hear that she has no clue of who he is. He can't comprehend what is happening to her. I don't know why I did not cry at her funeral - maybe to protect him or actually to protect me from feeling that pain.

When Pipo died, I promised Pipo that I would take care of his daughter & grandson. I promised him that I would not let anything happen to them. The seven months we took care of Pipo in our home, I protected my son from Pipo's hollers of pain. I would create distractions so that he would not have to 'deal' with Pipo's illness & looking back - so that I can escape that pain.

Now fast forward to today. Again I pretended that I would be alright. My ego really has me believing that I can deal with the death of mom. All this time I have been 'strong' & I can deal with death. BUT really I was pretending that I am OK. All this time I have been hiding the fact that I am afraid, feel vulnerable & alone. I kept myself busy so that I would not have to see mom wither away like a wilted rose. How I end up being is closed off from my own feelings.

So when I was interacting with my friends & family, I was really hiding out. Hiding my feelings. I did not want to get too close because they too will leave me & I am going to hurt all over again! I would not tell anyone about my life, because of the fear that they may find me out or may judge me. The impression I get is that I leave them in a funk trying to deal with my disconnect. For that I apologize.

So what you can count on from me is that I will be free to express my feelings, will no longer pretend to be strong & will be present to your (& my own) greatness. I promise to be there to hear you and to listen without judgement; I promise that I will be with you when you need me; I promise I will be free to be me.

Tomorrow is my mom's funeral service & I do not have to be 'strong' anymore. I do not have to pretend that I have it all together. I will be free to be me and free to be with my friends and family.

God has blessed us with a great mother, but even more so with the legacy she created - our family.