Helping Him Cry

I have always been uncertain what to say to console someone who has lost a loved one. What can I say - what can I do that would actually make a difference for them?

I can't say that I know what they are going thru - because I really don't know. I feel saying "I'm sorry about your loss" seems insufficient. I am truly sorry, but what difference does that really make for them.

Words sometimes feel so inadequate - they can't convey true feelings. But I feel that something must be done to let them know I'm there for them.

Well let me share this story to see if this makes a difference for you - it did for me: (UPDATE: I replaced the previous story - which I received in an email - with this one that has a quotable source.)

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,

"Nothing ... I just helped him cry."

Just listened & help him cry. Sometimes this is all we need to do. "Doing" is the easy way. Sure we can "do" something to make them feel better, but it is more difficult to decide to just "be with" that person.

Words or actions are not required to touch the heart.

A Simple Though Can Change The World

It's amazing how a simple phrase can change my day, my life AND my world.

"I think, therefore I am"
- Rene Descartes

Lately the circumstance of the world is what everybody is talking about. The financial crisis is affecting millions, including me. What everybody is dwelling on is the fear of the unknown.

But what I learned from this simple quote is that - what I am thinking is what I am creating as my reality. Allowing the negativity of the news and others is what I have been creating for me.

So no wonder I have been feeling - blah!

No I am not suggesting to make believe that the world is great & rosy. No don't make believe that nothing is going on & that the grief will disappear. What I am suggesting is that the negativity of what is going on is - optional. I don't have to choose it!

So this is what I've been pissed at: A few months age, the state of Florida removed all 'unauthorized' roadside memorials from the side of state highways. They put up warnings and when the period expired, they removed every flower, every teddy bear, every cross and decoration to be found. The only thing left was the 'authorized' generic lollipop 'drive safely' symbol that the state puts up. I was pissed & saying to myself "why would the state be so heartless?"

So I got stuck in that for about a month or two. I was mad, upset & pissed that there would not be anymore 'interesting' memorials to photograph. You've seen one lollipop - you've seen them all. What made them interesting, for me at least, was the personality that each family expressed of themselves. The choice in pieces to place. Some people put teddy bears, other put beer bottles. Anything that expressed who the person was for that family.

One family kept a different bottle of Arizona Ice Tea on a monthly rotation. Some families put plastic flowers that got replaced when faded, while others put real flowers. A new colorful bloom every week.

I waited for the news reports of pissed off families, upset that the state would do such a thing. To my surprise - nothing!

"What nobody is pissed at this!?" Then what I saw next caught me by surprise!

Driving down the highway, one of the lollipops that was stripped of its personally for months, all of a sudden had a wreath wrapped around the head. A few miles down the road a memorial that used to have a 5' long surfboard now has a small surfboard-shaped plaque and a nice,simple bouquet of flowers.

Little by little a few of the stripped memorials have their personality again. The flowers are back; the crosses showed up again and so did the teddy bears. Smaller & more subtle, maybe symbolic of the diminishing levels of grief, but they are back.

What I realized is that I am holding on to the anger of my grief. I have not moved on. I used to think that these are symbols of grief and of loss - but I am now realizing that they represent the endurance, resilience & hope of our humanity.

We will always survive, no matter the circumstances, or trials & tribulations that life throws at us - we will endure! And we will heal.

I think "I will endure" - therefore I will!